'Masters of the Universe' Nostalgia Can Only Generate So Much Power
Audiences have the power to not see this movie. With indie horror suddenly outselling Star Wars, it looks like the time of the escapism genre is coming to an end. If I sound sneeringly celebratory in these remarks, it’s because I smugly am. After almost 30 years, audiences have caught up with the drudgery of the fantasy genre. Flying characters with magical laser-shooting rainbows is fun. Abstaining from it completely is to let go of your joy. But to watch the same thing ad nauseam isn’t healthy for the mind. Masters of the Universe might be a box office bomb. Maybe it won’t be, and the kids will eat it up. Yet, if you haven’t grown up with He-Man, it’s difficult for children to get invested in a movie that Thor beat the punch to.
There’s fun to be had in Masters of the Universe. For a family flick, there’s a lot of phallic humor that lands surprisingly well. Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) is an average, everyday guy who spent the first 10-12 years of his life living in a magical kingdom somewhere in the universe. His family has protected his homeland from the evil Skeletor (Jared Leto). When sent home, Adam never really blended in. Throughout his youth, he told people about his fantastical lineage, which was met with bewilderment by everyone he disclosed it to. Somehow, throughout the long time Adam has spent on Earth, he hasn’t figured out that his story isn’t plausible within Earth’s realm of science.
Adam’s a very nice guy. A child at heart. Yet he never grew into an adult, still living in his childhood bedroom, with earth parents who are bafflingly absent in this movie. Shouldn’t they be the ma and pa Kent of this world? Where’s that emotional core? I get it. This is He-Man, not My Dinner with Andre. Yet even Marvel films have their emotional cores. Whether it be Thor’s father or Aunt May, our heroes have someone they can feed their emotions to. Arguably, Adam’s childhood friends who return to Earth to meet him are those figures. Unfortunately, they’re treated more like their source material rather than anything beyond the page.
After being estranged from his friends for the majority of his life, he couldn’t remember anyone's name. Similar to how adults in the audience wouldn’t recall anyone’s name from their childhood He-Man playset. Adam’s faded memory serves as a clever bit of humor, as he names Fisto (Jóhannes Haukur Jóhannesson) Fistro because he “fists people.” By that, Adam means he punches them with his gigantic metal hand. Then there’s Ram Man (Jon Xue Zhang), who rams things with his head. At one point, Fisto tells Ram Man to give the bad guys head, not understanding how that sentence sounded. Then there’s Teela (Camila Mendes), whom Adam named Warrior Goddess, because we all have our crushes.
All of these names are witty, but we don’t know much about the characters beyond their physiques or powers. They’re more or less toys, much like the Mattel property they’re based on. After spending over two hours with emotionless people who may as well be molded plastic, you may find yourself waiting for the movie to end. We’ve all seen every comic book movie ever by now. We now know the structure. First act: exposition; second act: our main character goes from the real world to the magical world; third act: CGI mashup. Rince, wash, and repeat. For an adaptation of a popular cartoon/toy lineup, it’s servicable.
But there are movies like Pirates of the Caribbean that took something extremely shallow and turned it into a fun movie with interesting characters. Mind you, I only mean the first one, not the sequels. Although Masters of the Universe does a decent job adapting an outdated cartoon to the modern day, it doesn’t do enough to warrant a night at the movies with the family unless you buy that awesome MOTU sword cup.
There are elements in Masters of the Universe to enjoy. It’s a mix of medieval tech and 80s rock, and it's sick. Plus, the classic theme still slaps. Some of the action scenes in this movie are highly enjoyable. Also, Skeletor is great. There’s a reason Jared Leto may not be happy with his portrayal in the movie, which will please the rest of the general public. We can’t see or hear him. Jared’s face is a skeleton that never changes, and his voice is digitally manipulated to sound like Shao Khan.
Why pay all that money for an AAA actor if nobody can tell who it is? Anyone could have been cast as Skeletor in this movie. Skelly is a petulant brat in this movie who constantly looks like an idiot around his minions when he tries to look cool, kind of like Jared Leto. What is a huge wasted opportunity is to give a moment where Skeletor is depowered like Homelander, revealing his true voice. That voice would have sounded like the one Alan Oppenheimer famously provided. Whining and shriveling. How do you scew that up? Although a slight complaint, it feels like the entire movie is a derivation of Marvel’s brand of color and humor, rendering any hint of originality in Masters of the Universe powerless.
