'You, Me & Tuscany' Can't Melt The Heart

You, Me & Tuscany has the markings of a Hallmark film, just without the Christmas decorations. It’s a girl who runs into a crazy situation where she meets a guy, but then runs into the real man she wants. For a movie you can stream at home that you want to run as brain-rot comfort food, that’s perfectly fine. We all have our vices. To spend money on two movie tickets for a mediocre-looking movie that doesn’t require a big screen experience isn’t worth anyone’s time. The previews might be more interesting than this major motion picture.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. This movie wouldn’t appeal to a typical straight white male demographic. Yet it wouldn’t likely appeal to most people. The movie is too predictable for its own good. If the film features Halle Bailey, who is the best part of the snoozy live-action Little Mermaid remake, then why not utilize her singing voice? The movie isn’t a musical, yet it includes scenes where Bailey uses her real talent. Her acting in the movie isn’t the best. She doesn’t carry the classic charisma of classic Hollywood starlets. It’s not entirely her fault. The script was apparently written by people, but it carries an AI algorithm copied and pasted from Karen’s favorite channel. Contrarily to the leading lady, the love interest makes for a compelling hunk.

The movie is more about sexualizing the man than it is the woman. We see Regé-Jean Page walk around with his “eight pack” while getting wet under the sprinklers, looking handsome yet dangerous. He has a good-bad boy persona that carries a James Bond-like quality. His voice is deep yet gentle, my God, I think I’m falling in love. Even with a flat script, Page does his best work with the material. The movie is a lot like the recent Big Fat Greek Wedding, in which the entire cast is moved to a remote location to admire the scenery. Bafflingly, the camera department doesn’t take full advantage of the incredible beauty of its locale. If Tuscany is in the film’s title, it oddly plays a minor role in the visuals.

There are small elements that could leverage the limited bit of character development to make for an enticing romance. Anna (Halle Bailey) is a down-and-out former culinary arts student who gave up her dreams to care for her ailing mother. Michael (Regé-Jean Page) is the nephew of the family Anna has become entangled with because of a foolish, brash decision that would have gotten anyone arrested. If you’re saying, “This is a movie, don’t overthink it,” I’m sorry, but no. Flying across the globe to break into a house whose address you weren’t even given, but were able to locate on your own, is not romantic. It’s stalker material. As long as the cast is attractive, screenwriters can continue to get away with this creepy trope.

Any depth or backstory into either of the leading characters takes a backseat for a middle act that’s simply filler. Nothing really happens. It’s just a fun series of cute date scenes. How is Michael, the nephew of this white family? Did they adopt him? Why does he have trouble with women? How has Anna changed after her mom’s death? The movie doesn’t have to dive deep into these topics, but you shouldn’t drop something heavy like a family death intertwined with the loss of one's dreams, then act like it’s a side note. That should be a trait of the character. How can someone like Michael lift her from her despair through love? Not just sexually, but spiritually? How can Anna help Michael learn what love is?

Looking into those things is what separates a movie from a TV flick. Look no further than As Good As It Gets, which tackles heavy topics with weight and brevity, making it one of the best romantic comedies ever. Take inspiration from knowing how to do something interesting with your characters, rather than just having them look happy for the audience. There’s a lot the filmmakers could do to make You, Me & Tuscany more than a boring box of conventions, yet the intelligence behind the camera is missing to take it anywhere beyond the Tuscan sun.