'Vampires of the Velvet Lounge' Needs a Stake Driven Through its Heart
Just when I thought the horror genre was getting better, movies like this come along to resurface every negative opinion about them. Vampires of the Velvet Lounge is an absolute mess, available only in theaters, when in reality, this movie should be released on demand to preserve the integrity of going to the cinema. I feel bad for anyone who decides to fork out $25 for a ticket, plus $10-$20 on parking and $20 on concessions, just to see a movie that looks like it was shot and edited by a thirteen-year-old. In the movie’s press email promo, it says, “from acclaimed director/writer Adam Sherman.” Who acclaimed this guy? His mother? If anyone acclaimed this man’s films its probably himself, since the movie starts with a production company logo under his name, which reminds me more of a Tommy Wiseau production than a professionally written or directed picture.
Bad movies can be enjoyable. Last year's War of the Worlds, for instance, is a so-bad-it ’s-good picture, as audiences worldwide can choke on laughing at Ice Cube’s horrendous acting, and Amazon’s offensive product placement. It’s nonstop unintentional laughs that’s a blast to roast at a house party. Vampires of the Velvet Lounge is a bad movie that’s proud of its poor quality, when it’s not clever enough to be confident in its self-awareness.
One major reason the film doesn’t work is that it has no central focal point. We don’t know who the main character is, supposed to be let alone what some of the most important characters' names are. It doesn’t help when the press notes, Wikipedia, and IMDb leave a big fat blank next to the actor’s name, forcing the viewer to rely extremely heavily on memory, or if you’re a critic, continually rewind the picture when THE (not) PROTAGONIST'S NAME is only said once towards the end. Her name isn’t a clever intentional mystery; Adam Sherman just forgot to mention it until the last second.
Who you think will be the protagonist based on the film’s trailer turns out not to be the main character. It’s not done to surprise audiences; it’s simply because there were no extra writers or opposing opinions to help steer the movie in a structurally logical direction. From the trailers, you’d assume this is a vampire-hunting action movie. The film is narrated by Chora (or at least that’s how I think her name is spelled). It would have helped if that information were available anywhere, including the film itself. Chora speaks of how she’s not happy as she dedicates her life to hunting vampires. What we know about her is a total mystery since she’s given barely any backstory. So why the blazes is she narrating a movie she’s barely even in?
The real protagonist of the film is Elizabeth Báthory (Mena Suvari), a notorious countess whose body count is the highest among vampires. Born in 1500 in Hungary, known for her great intelligence, Elizabeth eventually became obsessed with staying young by bathing in the blood of young women. For all of its overly long, way too short to read on screen, four-slide-deep opening scroll, Mena Suvari’s performance shows nothing of her spelled-out elegance. Instead, Elizabeth comes off as a bratty idiot who hams it up for the director, who was probably loving what she was doing. At the same time, the audience squirms in their chair at every overproduced line delivery. It’s not entirely her fault. The director is inept at writing dialogue, making interesting characters, or valuing structure.
The majority of the film follows Elizabeth as she kills men she finds on social media. The main victim of the movie is Luke (Tyrese Gibson); his white bro friends want him to get laid after he divorces his wife. Reluctantly, Luke agrees to fly out of town to go on a date (makes sense) with one of the vampires in Elizabeth’s coven. Or it could have been Elizabeth herself. It’s hard to tell who’s who when all the evil female vampires are dressed and played in the same manner.
Although there’s no nudity present, this flick still feels like it’s something written by a horny male who loves sadomasochism and knows nothing about women. Every woman in this film is a bickering bimbo or an obnoxious alpha male. For a movie that’s supposed to be about a vampire being hunted by an established hunter, it likes to spend more time with pointless bloodshed, and setup scenes for more pointless bloodshed. It’s like watching Blade if Wesley Snipes were only in the film for about 15-20 minutes, while we just followed one of Frost’s hot chicks who goes on a bloodsucking tear with hardly any character development for 90% of the movie. There’s no mystery in the irony of casting Stephen Dorff in this movie. He basically plays Frost from Blade, but without any brains. He’s simply a moronic human who gets turned into a vampire. If you take a shot every time Dorff ridiculously exclaims, “I’m Ramsay, the devil!” You’ll die. But at least you’ll be free of having to finish this movie.
The final nail in this picture’s coffin is the embarrassing visual effects, which tragically give a strong case for A.I. If humans had made these effects, perhaps a computer could have done a better job than they did. The green glowing eyes and mist are more cartoony than a Pixar film. This movie is why horror is considered an immature genre. Let alone, cheap horror action knockoffs. Instead of seeing anything exciting or horrifying, the audience is left with endless bloodshed written by a director who forgot to take his ADD medication so he could focus on a coherent story over mindless sensationalism.
Some terrible movies are fun to watch. Most are boring. This movie is no Room or Samurai Cop. It’s a numbingly dull, aimless flick where more quality can be found in a high school student film than in this bafflingly cheap-looking theatrical release. The only good part of the movie is Dichen Lachman’s performance as Chora. You can tell she’s trying to form a character from the limited script she’s given. Unfortunatly she, along with everyone else, is guided by a ship controlled by a captain who’s too arrogant to avoid icebergs that are clearly in sight.
